In a move that has economists reaching for the nearest bottle of single malt, the global trade war has escalated to record-breaking tariffs on electric vehicles. It seems the powers that be have finally discovered a cure for climate change: making green technology so expensive that even Greta Thunberg would have to take out a second mortgage on her sailboat.
According to the Ministry of Muddle, the new tariffs will see the price of an average Chinese-made EV skyrocket faster than a SpaceX launch. Brussels, Washington, and Beijing are locked in a three-way staring contest, each convinced that the other will blink first. But in this game of chicken, the only ones getting run over are the consumers who just wanted a car that doesn't sound like a lawnmower with a hangover.
The British government, never one to miss a chance for theatrical incompetence, has chimed in with a 'brilliant' suggestion: buy British. Unfortunately, the only homegrown EV on the market is a converted milk float that runs on hope and a 200-metre extension lead. Meanwhile, Nissan has announced that its Sunderland plant will now produce only paperweights and regret.
What is the endgame here? Is it to save the planet or to protect domestic industries that couldn't innovate their way out of a wet paper bag? The tariffs are supposedly designed to level the playing field, but all they've done is turn it into a muddy bog of bureaucracy. In the race to net zero, we've put a speed bump the size of the Channel tunnel.
Sources close to the situation (a man in a pub who claims to be an 'economic warlock') suggest that the real target is not trade but attention. Politicians love a good tariff almost as much as they love a photo opportunity at a wind farm that isn't connected to the grid. It's a perfect distraction from the fact that our trains are still powered by steam and the national grid runs on the tears of commuters.
I put this to a Downing Street official, who promptly told me to 'bugger off' and then offered me a gin. A man after my own heart, but I suspect the tonic came from a tap marked 'bog water'. The official added, off the record, that the tariffs are 'absolutely bloody nonsense' but that the PM needs a win. Any win. Even if it means bankrupting the entire electric car industry.
As the sun sets on the age of reason, one thing becomes clear: the only thing more electric than the vehicles are the insults flying between trade negotiators. And as I sit here, nursing my gin and contemplating the sheer lunacy of it all, I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, the solution to global warming is to let the politicians keep talking until they boil the planet with their hot air. At least that would be efficient.
