In a scene that could only be described as a fever dream penned by a hungover Oscar Wilde, 50 nations yesterday signed a landmark environmental accord to ban single-use plastics. The ceremony, held in a Geneva conference centre that reeked of desperation and faintly of stale champagne, saw world leaders congratulate themselves with the vigour of men who have just discovered fire. The accord, officially titled the 'Global Plastics Reduction Treaty' but already nicknamed the 'Great Plastic Letdown' by cynical observers, promises to eliminate plastic waste by 2040.
Which sounds rather a lot like promising to stop breathing by 2040, if you ask me. The real kicker? The signing ceremony itself was a veritable orgy of disposable cups, plastic straws, and individually wrapped biscuits.
The irony was so thick you could choke on it, which several delegates nearly did as they choked on laughs during a particularly hollow speech about 'sustainable futures.' The accord's key provisions include a ban on plastic bags, straws, and cutlery, but conveniently exempts the medical industry, which one cynic pointed out is where all the plastic will end up anyway. But let's not be churlish.
This is a victory for diplomacy, for multilateralism, for the planet. Or it would be, if the damn thing had any teeth. But like a lion with gum disease, it's all roar and no bite.
Enforcement mechanisms are laughably weak, left to individual nations who can barely enforce their own traffic laws. And in a classic touch, the accord allows countries to opt out if it 'unduly burdens' their economy. Which is like allowing a patient to opt out of a life-saving surgery because it hurts.
The real question is: what now? Will this be the start of a glorious new era of environmental stewardship, or just another piece of paper to line the parrot's cage? I suspect the latter.
But then, I'm a cynical old hack who's seen one too many 'landmark' deals go up in smoke. Still, one must admire the audacity. These 50 nations have looked the apocalypse in the eye and said, 'Not today, but maybe next Tuesday.
' And then they ordered another round of drinks in plastic cups. Because of course they did.
